when we are little we know there is magic in the world. we feel it. we make it with our paintbrush, we hear it in the rustling leaves, we sense the chills up our spine in the evening dew. as we grow, the ordinary seems to creep in, taking over the way we live our moments.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
the wide world is so intricately connected that even the flapping of a butterflies wings can turn the weather.*
before i knew this to be true, every loss i experienced was unbearable.
from my earliest years, the theme of loss has been a constant in my story. and most often it came in the form of divorce. but there are many kinds of losses and all of them painful.
in mine, notably, there was the first boy who stole my heart. he shattered it: suddenly gone forever. friendships fostered during my tender childhood days later marred by growing pains, are sadly over. the death of beloved family members and friends: is this really the end?
each one left searing holes in my heart and i feared that those people, the relationships we grew and the experiences we shared were no longer REAL. time kept mercilessly ticking away, by the hour taking what was loved and declaring the end. but, what if time isn't REAL, stories are?
what if time only seems to be? past, present, and future. just as we reread a book and experience it again do our stories remain true for all of time? so it's not only our experiences leading us to where we are today or the tokens of our memories that last...what if we are fused to one another with the energy we exchange with our breath and the life we've lived together?
we belong to each other. so its never really over, and true stories are always true.
maybe beginnings and endings are the only links we have to time and once we are beyond, only our connection remains.
Monday, April 7, 2014
walking up a hill in hawaii with the lush green vistas of kailua before me, i pondered what it would be like to live in paradise. for the week i left behind the grays of winter, the endless inside living and the cold. a move to the islands looked like an invitation to live an inside out sort of life. more wild, less domestication. but as i looked from house to house, i realized how deep domestication has taken root even here.
true story: once upon a time…
people everywhere lived in the villages and towns popping up among the wild places. they built homes, often shared in the work with their neighbors, and maybe cultivated a vegetable garden. at the castle and in the common areas expert gardeners, brick layers and builders were hired to build and maintain elaborate gardens and terraces to be enjoyed an admired by many. but at home, life was still beautiful, though more naturally so.
we are the kings and queens of our own castles, or so we fancy. we each buy for ourselves as much "castle" as we can afford, with our visions of lawns, gardens, design style, and curb appeal. soon we have a list pages long of remodel, renovate, refresh ideas which soon turn into obligations. and a yard work list just as long. none too soon we realise: there is no staff at this castle, no rustic to do the work except ourselves. there are many things we want done but we don't actually want to do it. we have become the tools of our tools, as thoreau says.
what if we lived a life more wild and less domesticated? we could go to the castle (in modern days perhaps this means the capital or a fancy hotel). there would be someones master garden to enjoy. someone’s fine art collection. we could tour a cathedral in the city or an architectural masterpiece, taking in the beauty with awe and wonder, without having to OWN it.
i've been thinking i have ownership issues. why do i always want to own everything? it used to be a form of self expression for me.. "this" is what i'm about. but i'm beginning to think it’s a cultural issue. we have lost the art of appreciation. we have enslaved ourselves to our ideals.
imagine how much pleasure and leisure we could enjoy if we stopped trying to domesticate everything. wildlife outside our doors instead of lawns. simple furnishings, the beauty of worn things, natural lasting beauty. how would we fill our days if there is less to clean, less to upkeep? our time and our finances freed from unnecessary obligations. without the need to stake our claim or hold our ground, would life become more simple?
go ahead...break the norm. who decided we ought to own it all, and keep our homes & yards magazine worthy? that this is a high and worthy value? you know there is more to life! let yourself at it! break free. leave it behind. you could have so much more.
Monday, March 3, 2014
it was mid-afternoon, mid-week and he said go. he didn't have to tell me twice and i didn't even know where i was headed but out of this town. so i drove down the end of the road and turned onto the open highway headed for the only bookstore big enough to handle all my searching. i didn't know it yet but i was breaking down fences with that simple drive.
the next day, an errand needed to be run to a distant store in an unfamiliar place and he didn't want to do it. i heard myself volunteer with a bit of a glimmer in my soul and he said go. so i drove down to the end of the road, turned onto the open highway and headed further this time. stayed away longer too. this time the wires between fence posts were stretched to the ground where i could get through with hardly any resistance at all.
who put those fences up at the borders of the plateau? who said to stay within for beauty, serenity and comfort? maybe it seems like my man did by the way i waited for his insistence that i could go. no, i built them myself and carefully too. i made a narrowly beautiful, picturesque life for us here in our country town. defined beauty by wide open spaces, quiet, mountain vistas, charming farm-town. in my definition of beauty there was no room for mess. no room for urban sprawl, advertising, obvious poverty. i wanted to be be away from it all.
well, a small life is okay for a worn out momma of little ones, wide open spaces with room to breathe console weary souls.
but i'm beyond it now. freedom means more to me than anything. oh beauty still matters a whole lot too. only, beauty is the big wide world these days. beauty is a trip to the city to hear brandi carlile enchant the audience at benaroya hall with a broken hallelujah. beauty is a trip to a cider pub to experience a hard cider tasting. beauty is adventure, even if you have to drive through the industrial district to get there.
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